No Replacement For Displacement

It's not just Puppies!

OK, that's it! I've had it with with FrankJ's Filthy Lies about Glenn Reynolds murdering Satan so he can worship Hobos(or the other way around), and Glenn Reynolds putting puppies in a blender. Neither has Glenn fed blenders to puppies, even when the puppies were very very hungry. These things are all filthy lies, without a shred of evidence. .

I on the other hand, have lies, which are only somewhat filthy, have a very firm basis in innuendo, and are based on a conversation I had with Glenn himself back when he was giving a speech at Yale. I was stunned when he related the story to me, usually when someone performs an act of such incredible and devious genius, they take credit for it; however, Glenn had told noone about what he had done until he met me at the post speech reception. I don't know what it was, maybe the wine, maybe the cheese was a little spoiled, but after we exchanged pleasantries, he said something so stunning, so immense in its historical implications, that even now, six months later, I can't believe he did it. Anyway, here is what I remember of the conversation:

"Kitty didn't know."
"'Kitty didn't know?' Who's Kitty, Glenn, and what didn't she know?"
"She didn't know that I did it."
"Glenn, you're weirding me out. Who is Kitty, and what didn't she know?"
"Kitty Dukakis. She had investigators all over the place looking, but she never found out."
"Find out what? What did you do? Glenn, you didn't do anything, um, illegal, did you?"
"Oh, no no. Nothing illegal. But she never found out."
"Find out what? C'mon, stop being so cryptic."
"Oh, she tried to find out. They poured over the tapes for hours, but they could never prove it. I fixed it that way."
"Glenn, you're scaring me. You didn't blackmail anyone, did you?"
"No, nothing so bad as that. Well, almost as bad as that. But I'm not ashamed for doing it. In fact, I did the country a service."
"A service? You sound like you participated in Watergate or something."
"Watergate? Oh no no no. Nothing like that. Well, maybe a little like that."
"You spied on the Dukakis campaign?!?"
"No, no spying. Spying would have been too obvious. Not after the Gary Hart thing."
"'Gary Hart thing?!? What are you talking about?"

Then he angrily muttered something to himself under his breath, and said to me "Gee, there must be something funky with this cheese! I'm not feeling too good. I better go." As he left, one of his ten immense and very threatening bodyguards pulled me roughly aside, and growled, "You'll forget everything you heard today. If you tell anyone about it, if you even think about it again, any blended puppies will be on your head!"

I drove home that night, shocked at what I heard, and afraid that maybe some of Glenn's goons might hunt me down. If I was to survive, if any puppies were to avoid blending, I had to find out what it was. What was the secret? I spent months working, trying to hunt down what it was. It had something to do with both the Gary Hart campaign, and the Dukakis campaign. It was buried deep. But what was it? I finally managed to hunt down some photos that were found deep in the archives. What I found shocked me. How come noone had noticed this before? I called up Michael Dukakis and Gary Hart. They couldn't believe that this had been right in front of them, all this time, and noone had seen it. Noone had noticed it. Why would they? This Glenn Reynolds guy was a comparative unknown then. But somehow, via some arcane methods, he had managed to do something so devious, so ingenious in its execution, that it could scarcely be believed. But after digging up the photographic evidence, the photos(which, by the way, aren't photoshopped in any way, shape, or form) tell the tale:

In this photo, taken right before the infamous tank photo, Glenn Reynolds had given Michael Dukakis via post-hypnotic suggestion the idea to take that tank ride. Then, via his vast legion of puppy-blending minions, he managed to scoop up all the video, and get himself airbrushed out of all the film and photographic imagery. Only this picture managed to survive unchanged. This photo we found on the rim of the Mt. St. Helens volcano. Via hypnosis and sodium pentathol treatments, we found out that Glenn was there on the Monkey Business that day. He brought Donna Rice, a known puppy blender and hobo worshipper, down to meet Gary Hart. Hart, being a Democrat, had no choice but to fall for Rice's charms. Then Glenn struck, had one of his Hobo-worshiping acolytes take the picture of Donna Rice sitting on the lap of an obviously comatose Gary Hart, and conveniently managed to airbrush himself out of the photo that reached the press.

Conspiracy? I don't know. However, every time I walk into the mall, I can't help but notice that the Pet Store is only about 20 yards from Sears' Small appliance section. I'm not taking any chances.

Posted by John Bono at April 27, 2003 01:06 AM | TrackBack