No Replacement For Displacement

I've come to a decision

Today I've decided to launch an exploratory committee into becoming a member of the Democratic party. I have taken this dramatic step because there are definite advantages which need to be considered, of which, the following are only a small sample:

1. Democratic women are easy.


2. By the simple act of becoming a Democrat, I automatically become a presidential candidate. Even if I get defeated so badly that I make Mondale look good, I still get to be called a "former presidential candidate".


3. I can say any racial epithet as much as I want, and all NBC News will say is that I'm just an addled old coot--even though I'm 36.


4. Did I mention that Democratic women are easy?


5. I can get engaged in trysts with any intern or barnyard animal in such a perverted a manner that it makes Penthouse Letters look like Ladies Home Journal, and there will be hundreds of Democratic campaign consultants who will say, without a hint of irony, that "just because it's a sheep doesn't make it wrong."


6. I can make any sort of moronic pronouncement, and I'll be called an intellectual for saying it. How else can you explain the career of Michael Moore?


7. I will become instantly attractive to every bubble-headed, silicone-enhanced actress in Hollyweird. And since they are Democrats, well, you get the idea[nudge, nudge].

However, there are drawbacks:

1. I will have to say nice things about Barbara Streisand, even when she misspells my name.


2. I will have to plant my lips permanently on the butt of Yasser Arafat.


3. Democratic women are ugly. Republicans get Ann Coulter. Dems get Bella Abzug.


4. I will have to pretend Al Sharpton is a likeable guy.


5. If some other Democrat gets involved with an intern or barnyard animal, I'll have to go on national television and say that "just because a sheep is involved doesn't make it wrong."


6. I will actually have to listen to every bubble-headed, silicone enhanced actress in Hollyweird, and pretend that they actually know what they are saying.

Once my exploratory committee has arrived at a decision, I'll let you all know, and I'll commence with the fundraising of my campaign to become a democrat. Any Hollyweird actresses please contact me later for "urgent consultations" .